On Depression, Inspiration, and Unfiltered Happiness

It’s not a secret that I sometimes have a hard time being happy. There are flaws in my brain chemistry that can make finding joy a chore–often times a chore that I will sweep under the bed and ignore completely. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve spent many years working on this. I’ve gotten better at dealing with it. I still struggle and fight every day, but the moments of wanting to disappear and stop existing are fewer and further in between. I’m far more positive than I used to be. Not perfect, but better.

Lately, though, I found myself in a bit of a downward spiral. Everything seemed 100 times worse than it was, and every day was a struggle to even get out of bed, which is very strange for me if you know me at all. I’m a normal up-at-5AM-to-go-to-the-gym person, so when I started skipping days to sleep, I knew it was worse than I was willing to admit.

The hardest thing is pulling myself out from underneath the crushing weight of life, and the world, and my own thoughts. What makes it harder still is that nothing seems to work, and all fight and energy is drained out of my body. If you’ve ever dealt with depression, then you know what I’m talking about. Breathing is hard. Being awake is hard. Doing things you enjoy is hard. Everything is hard, and nothing seems to help. But once you’ve finally come out on the other side, you’re frustrated because, well, WHY the hell couldn’t you have just figured it out and done this sooner.

All that said, I’m happy to say that I’ve been doing a lot better recently. I’m finally on the other side of my latest episode, if you want to call it that, and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. My depression seems to stem from the pressure I put on myself to be perfect. When I say perfect, I mean like, PERFECT. Every tiny bump or mistake is, in my mind, a massive failure and disappointment. I know that’s not true, and I know I don’t ever give myself enough credit, but that’s me and I’m trying.

Something I’ve realized lately is how important it is for me to take time for myself. I throw myself 150% into everything I do, which is great, but when it becomes ALL CONSUMING, I lose myself very easily.

So I’ve been making a point to find and rediscover the things that inspire me, and hold onto those things very, very, tightly. Everyone has different things that make them smile through the rain, and that make them want to live their best life. Find yours. If you do nothing else in this life, find the things that make you want to be the best version of you.

The thing that impacts me in the most profound way is watching other people live their dreams. Nothing makes me happier than watching someone succeed doing what they love. It always gives me this little nugget of hope that maybe one day I can do that, too.

I have an incredibly passionate (some might call it obsessive) personality. I am very much an all or nothing type of person, so when I love something, I really, really, love it. I throw my whole self into it. Someone once made me feel very ashamed of this. They made me feel like I was less of a person because I liked certain celebrities a lot and because I found enjoyment from various entertainment platforms.

I am long over that; it’s water under the bridge and all that, but it took me a while to realize that I was not wrong or weird or pathetic.

Hear me out–I firmly believe that happiness is internal. It is something that you must find within yourself, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t find inspiration for your internal happiness from the outside world. I did read a quote once that said you should’t place your happiness on outside sources as it can easily be taken away. I find so much truth and importance in that.

Some people are able to feed their joy by going for a run. Some people feed it by reading a book, or going to a museum, or painting a picture.

For me, I feed my joy by going to concerts. I feed my joy by seeing people I admire do the things that inspire them. There is nothing better than watching someone you look up to succeed by doing what they are passionate about. I find a lot of my zest for life in having opportunities to meet the people who inspire me.

To some people, that might seem strange, or, as I was made to feel all those years ago, pathetic and obsessive, but it lights a fire within my soul that nothing else on this earth can. I am never more inspired to be my best self and live my best life than after an inspiring concert or a conversation with a person who has inspired me in so many ways.

Find your joy, and don’t let anyone tell you that it’s wrong. As long as you’re not harming anyone or anything in the process, if it makes you happy, that’s all that matters.

That’s why I am making a point to go to more shows this year. If I have the opportunity to see an artist who has made me feel something, REALLY feel something, in my life, then I am going to take it. And if I have the chance to hug them and tell them that they have impacted my life, then I sure as hell am not going to let that opportunity pass.

If feeding that fire is what it takes to help keep me keep fighting, then so be it.

It’s my life, not anyone else’s.

Life can be crazy and overwhelming, and I will do whatever I need to do to keep myself afloat.

A week ago I was lucky enough to meet two of the most wonderful people. They built their entire careers from scratch doing what they love and are passionate about, and for someone like me, in this strange, awkward life stage I am currently in, there is nothing more inspiring than that.

“No-one can become an actor; now what makes you look clever and employable? Ah, law!”

An actual quote from one of those guys who quit stage school to go to law school, which he eventually dropped out of because he was miserable. Did I mention I met them at their SOLD OUT stage show? Did I mention that EVERY SHOW IN THE USA is sold out?

Do what you love and are passionate about, and you will be okay. That doesn’t mean it will be easy, but it will be worth it–these two are proof of that.

So that’s kind why I’m writing this.

My one talent in life is writing, and my biggest passion in life is words.

I’m going to find a way to make it work.

I don’t know how, but I will.